isn’t it kinda funny how the tables can turn just as fast as your eyes burn between my thighs; and isn’t it funny how your lies can pacify my pathetic cries just long enough for you to jump the gun and run and hide so you wont have to face that you’re the one responsible for all the fears in your life?
your apathy leaves me with no sympathy for your lack of compassion. only with unfamiliar feelings of resentment and passive aggression and a taste of regret that lingers in my mouth like the foul taste of this cigarette called rejection.
and these heavy-hearted thoughts weigh on my mind like anchors on a line in the middle of an ocean filled with all kinds of drifters afloat. All waiting for their time of salvation or vindication or inebriation or whatever choice of poison floats their boat.
and these poisons of daydreams turned nightmares send chemicals to receptors so eager to receive, so eager to believe that those daydreams still exist. but this haze you’ve left me in leaves me amidst the hardest thing i’ve had to face in my life, and its me.
“Intention is the cohesive element that translates the conceptual into form.”
Jupiter’s surface :O
So for this assignment in my social psychology class I had to write 5 “I am” statements describing myself. My answers were:
I am lazy
I am a lover not a fighter
I am not my ego
I am not a perfect snowflake
I am you, and you are I
For the assignment, we had to write about how we came to these conclusions about ourselves.
The first two are just obvious traits, but the last three had a little more meaning to me:
“I am not my ego”. This idea actually surfaced quite recently, after watching the movie Revolver. The movie is about a man that battles with his ego and recognizes that his ego was controlling him and his actions. The quote in the movie puts it best, “The greatest con that he ever pulled was making you believe that he is you” (“he” referring to the ego). In the movie, it is revealed to us that the ego is what feels victimized and self-conscious. It is the ego that makes enemies and sets oneself apart from others. The ego is an approval junkie that makes us all believe that we need validation from others to feel any worth. Reminding myself that I am not my ego helps me to recognize when I am being driven by it and helps me to become more aware of the motives behind my actions.
“I am not a perfect snowflake”. This statement refers to the movie Fight Club, which will forever be my favorite movie of all time. In the movie this line is used with a slightly cynical overtone, but the overall message of it is really inspiring. The idea is that people are too egotistical, narcissistic, and self-absorbed and this line is used as a slap in the face to tell us that every individual is not perfect. It is basically used to tell people to get over themselves. Believing that you are perfect means that there is nothing about you that needs to change, that there is nothing about you that should change. If a person believes that they are perfect in every way, this stagnates their growth as a person. As the saying goes, “the only thing constant in the universe is change”. This is why I say that I am not a perfect snowflake. Because it helps me to realize that there is always something about myself that I can better. There is infinite potential in every direction; it is just a matter of me choosing which direction to take.
The statement “I am you, and you are I”, could be confusing at first. I came to this conclusion about myself through a lot of introspection. Constantly thinking of oneself in relation to others can cause one to get wrapped up in his ego. It can cause a person to refer to himself as being separate from everyone else. “I am me, you are you.” It sets oneself apart from the rest whether it is in higher or lower regard. It is said that the self cannot be found through introspection, looking inward, but I think this is because through introspection you will find that there is no real separation. You will find that there is no separate “I” in relation to others, because in actuality, your perception of others is just a projection of yourself and your own ideas and beliefs about the world. Everything and everyone that you experience, good and bad, is a part of your own perception of it. You can perceive a situation or person to be good or bad, and that is your inner reality. What most people don’t realize is that just by changing that perception, you change your reality. When you find something in someone else that you dislike, at the root of it all, it is really something about yourself that you dislike and you are projecting that hate externally. As Hermann Hesse once said, “If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself.” When you come to terms with that aspect of yourself that you hate, you will find that that flows outward into the world around you. You no longer find yourself hating those things in other people and you are more accepting of people you once weren’t. The statement “I am you, and you are I” isn’t so much of a statement about myself, but a philosophy that I try to live by and it really helps me to grow into a better person.
The assignment then asks:
Is there anything in your statements that might be based on an illusion or self presentation tactics and how?
I think that almost all the above statements are self-presentation tactics in a way, except maybe that “I am lazy”. However, they are not self-presentation tactics in that I am trying to present myself in a certain way to others, but more that I am making these statements to present myself in a certain way to myself, with the intention of growing in that way.
I hope I get an A. At the most, I hope that my teacher goes “hm…” :]
I had a weird dream today.
I was at work, and I saw this big fat guy, who I guess was a chef, take a small white pill, then he went on to pick up a tomato and a knife and dictate to himself outloud how he would go about gutting it, (it is referring to a girl). I was totally weirded out, and then we started our shifts. All of a sudden, calamity, people are screaming and freaked out, I was in the process of gutting a fish and someone tells me that the man stabbed and gutted one of my female coworkers (just as I was pulling the guts out of the fish). We were all shocked and didn’t know what to do. One of my coworkers told me he was warming up my car (how i miss her), and so me, him, and another one of my coworkers ran out to the car. One in the passenger seat, one in the trunk. We were driving down industrial, I was happy my car was running. It started to overheat, so I had to pull over at a gas station that doesn’t really exist on Industrial.
I pull up and turn off my engine. Maybe 30 feet away or so I see Van in a beanie and hoodie hiding behind a pillar and I motion him to come over. He looked spooked like everyone else. He comes over with Homeboy and we walk over to this building behind the gas station. We find this slot, just barely big enough for a person to slip through on the side of the building. It’s the entrance. Homeboy and Van go first, then I put my arm in it, (it’s above me) and i have to pull myself up through the tiny slot. I enter a room, a small room, low ceilings. There are a buncha weird people and things. Psychedelic. There are midgets and gypsies and fortune tellers, etc. In this room are a few other people I know, and a woman, stern-looking, she said worked for the military. I talk to her about what I saw at work and how I should have said something about the fishy business. I feel guilty, like I could have prevented that girl’s death. I talk to her about the white pill and she tells me she has one. It was given to her by the military, she was told to take it. Another person that I was with (I can’t remember who) had JUST put one of the pills in their mouth as I was talking about it and they spit it out. They got it from the army as well. We came to the conclusion that the pills were mind control pills (kind of like that chemical that Stryker uses in XMen on the backs of their necks to mind control them).
I can’t recall what happened next, but we left and went to this park across the street. I remember beautiful fields of yellow flowers. The playground we went to had thick cords that had clothespins all over them. I could hang from the cords. I have a camera, it’s see-through. I’m taking a bunch of great pictures. I try to get the film out but the camera is broken or something.
That’s all I can remember…
Weird.
Rainy day free-write. Haven’t done this in a long time.
.
Sometimes I find that my mind’s eye wanders into a place and time that I don’t quite recognize. And the skies they cry for the sweet beauty that lies within the storm-clouds in her eyes.
Though this strange territory brings much trepidation, I surmise it is only a result of my timid hesitation. And as I unfold these origami words in my mind, it feels like my own kind of zen meditation.
Om.
And I can’t tell you the past because I’ve forgotten, but the future should be as clear as day. Because the future does not lie in the hands of some man named Fate, but under the complete and utter control of your intent on what to make.
Though our past has been forgotten and clouded with emotion and the notion that you are you and I am me, I tell you we are not who we seem to be. We will remember soon. Like lotus blossoms from the mud, we are all just waiting to bloom.
And as the h2o corrodes the stone of decades and decades past, I know this storm will rage and pass, and alas, the skies will be bluer than we ever could have conceived.
And believe me, because your physical 
reality, whether it limits or permits you, is the result of yourbeliefs.
I wonder what that guy was thinking. “Oh shit” maybe. Haha
“What Can I do?”, You say “It’s just another day In the life of Apes with ego trips” — Agoraphobia - Incubus
Rainy days.
It was pouring. As soon as I went outside to bike, it stopped. As soon as I reached my destination, it started raining again. :)